Proceed with Caution

I'm only slightly kidding with the title. I'm hoping this is the last shlumpy post of mine for awhile (or ever, actually.)

I've been in down-and-out moods before for a day or two, but I'm running on like 2 weeks straight right now. I'm waiting for the day I wake up and just feel better, but I realize it doesn't work that way.

Do I know what my deal is? Not entirely. I know a lot of it is that I've been really hard on myself lately, for who knows what reason. Instead of embracing everything about myself, I'm kicking myself for it. There's obviously no reason for that. 

At the Mount today, Alyssa and I had lunch with one of the sisters, just the three of us. We caught up on a few weeks worth of life since she was away for a little while. As per usual (and one of the reasons we love her) she started grilling us on how we're adjusting and really honed in on how our spiritual lives are coming along since moving out. I'm not too proud to say that mine has been floundering a bit. It's hard to keep up a regular, daily commitment to your spirituality when it's not literally scheduled into your day. It was easier at the Mount- I won't say it was just easy, because if keeping up your spiritual life is easy, you're probably not doing it quite the way you should be.

Naturally, upon hearing from both Alyssa and I that we're slacking in this area, we marched right to her office and were handed some books. I picked out two. Each has a short daily reading and meditation. One is just general topics of spirituality, the other is geared more toward someone going through a hard time. The intro of one of the books states that the meditations are there "to help you spend a few moments each day remembering what you know." Perfect. Nothing new or scary, just reminders to set you back on the right track when you feel yourself straying. Or slumping, in my case.

As usual, God likes to hit me right in the face with things sometimes. Today's meditation was exactly what I needed: my reminder to get off my own case and embrace who I am, flaws, perfections and everything in between:

"Practice tolerance....tolerate your quirks, feelings, reactions, peculiarities, your humanness. Tolerate your ups and downs, resistance to change, struggling and sometimes awkward nature. Tolerate your fears, mistakes, natural tendency to duck from problems or pain. Tolerate your hesitancy to get close, expose yourself, be vulnerable. Tolerate the way we progress- a few steps forward and a couple back. Tolerate when you sometimes forget to trust God or occasionally get stuck...learn that all the humanness you're tolerating is what makes you and others beautiful."

Is reading this little passage my miracle cure to get me back to my usual self? No, but it's the reminder I really needed. I'm hoping that committing to reading these reflections everyday and spending some time journaling about them will help me out. I need to get back that little piece of normal that was wrapped up in daily prayer and meditation like I had at the Mount. Daily reminders that God is good, in control and loves me no matter what.

So I can be obnoxious, loud and goofy. I have a short temper, I'm shy and awkward. You'll probably never catch me getting all dolled up or doing much of anything in front of a crowd of people besides sweating and stuttering. I get embarrassed way too easy and I'm going to kick myself about it later.

But I'll tell you what else: I'll be the first one laughing at a joke and I'll do anything to see someone smile. I don't hesitate to help out another person or make their day a little better. I love and value the people in my life beyond measure and I love with every inch of my heart. I've got good people in my life who love me just the way I am and uphold me everyday. I've come a long way from the awkward teenager who hated every second of high school. I try new things, I challenge myself and try to stretch out of my comfort zone now and then. I've come into my own as the woman I want to be, even if I'm learning still everyday how to embrace every part of me. I'm proud of who I am and all I've done, no matter what.

If you've hung on this far into this post, congrats! I should give you a balloon or something. Sorry for the total spillage of...whatever this is. I don't want a million e-mails about how awesome everyone thinks I am, trust me I didn't write all of this for sympathy. I wrote it for me to release all this pent up negativity and, in a way too, to help out the people who have gotten a response of "I don't know" when they ask me "what's the matter?"

So what have we learned today?

I'm not like anyone else and that's not only OK, it's flipping awesome.

Normalcy

Trying to find it can be a struggle. Especially after you find yourself readjusting to life after a year in a monastery. I swear, adjusting to life at the Mount wasn't half as hard as getting used to it again now that I'm not there. I'm also adjusting to not being a student and just being a working member of society. Get this- I have free time. It's crazy.

Work is helping. I have consistency in that everyday. I love my job, the kids and all the people I work with. I enjoy my job, I have fun everyday. I couldn't ask for a better place to be. I'm getting into the routine and coming into my own as a teacher. I'm a substitute teacher or a floater, so I don't stay in the same class everyday and that lends itself to some chaos every now and then, but it's nice getting to spend time everywhere and getting to form a relationship with every single kid. There's something so wonderful about walking out onto the playground and having tons of different kids all running up to me for a hug. They know how to make someone feel appreciated, that's for sure.

I haven't been as active as I'd like to be lately, and I can feel it. At the Mount, Alyssa and I were really good about getting out and walking most nights of the week for at least an hour, sometimes two. If we were feeling particularly motivated (and the weather was nice) we'd even squeeze in a half hour walk in the mornings after prayer. There was something so nice about that, all the fresh air and just getting up and moving. I'll admit in the last few weeks I've fallen pretty slack on this one. But I'm trying to get back into the groove. The last two Sundays we've made it down to the peninsula and put in a really nice 6 mile walk. And all last week we made it out for a walk around our neighborhood every night after dinner. It's a habit I have to keep, since my dog is coming soon and she needs two decent length walks everyday. She'll help keep me motivated to get up and get out.

So I'm getting there, slowly but surely :)

Holiday Weekend

I tossed around the idea for a couple of weeks to go home for this holiday weekend. Part of me didn't want to because it's like a tank and a half of gas for the round trip (have you seen gas prices lately?) I also almost passed on going home because three and a half hours in the car sucks on your own.

But something in me finally gave in and I'm really happy I went home. I spent a nice weekend camping with my family and visited with my Dad and grandparents. The weather was nice, and it was great to just kind of lounge around, play with the dogs, and spend time relaxing with my family. It was simple, it was nice, it was just what I needed.

But nothing changes that stupid drive. I realize I could live a lot further from my family, and that 3.5 hours isn't really that bad, and shouldn't be the reason I don't go home more often.


The drive actually ended up being a good thing too. Sometimes over three hours of time to yourself to think (and over-think, in my case) is way too much, like when I moved out of the Mount. This time though it was perfect. I wrestled with a couple of things I've needed to for awhile. And I felt better and found some peace.

It also helped because for the drive home today I made a station on Pandora for the band Supertramp and it was such a good decision. Fantastic music, mostly 70's rock-esque for my entire drive was perfection. As per usual, a few songs had some lyrics I needed to hear, others were just good to dance and sing to like a maniac. Here are a few for your listening pleasure.

Let It Be- The Beatles

Take the Long Way Home- Supertramp

Give A Little Bit- Supertramp

I'll save what I was thinking about and such for another post.